Have you ever left a tricky situation or conflict and spent the next minutes, hours (or even days) processing the dialog? “I should have said this.” “They don’t understand me.” “They just don’t get it.”
Besides the internal dialog, how many of us have debriefed the conversation with a spouse, close friend, or colleague? “At least they will understand us, right?”
Conflict and difficult conversations are not easy for anybody. Some of us will avoid conflict at all costs, while others may seem to enjoy a bit of verbal sparring. Whatever your relationship with conflict, your ability to bring your authentic self to situations will benefit you and those you engage with at home and work.
How to be authentic in these situations? Consider being Assertive.
The word “Assertive” has gotten a bad rap. Some "Assertive" synonyms from dear ol’ Merriam Webster are aggressive, ambitious, in-your-face and pushy. Most of those terms are not what we would consider as positive attributes to bring to our relationships!
Take a moment and consider your relationship with the word Assertive. Do you identify with it as a negative or positive trait?
Whether you want to run to the hills when you hear the Assertive word, or you embrace Assertiveness as part of your identity, it is good to consider why communicating Assertively can be a win-win for your relationships.
Assertiveness as a Healthy Communication Style
Put aside any pictures you have in your mind of an in-your-face or pushy communicator and consider the three Cs of Assertive Communication: Confidence, Clear and Controlled.
Confidence: You believe in your ability to handle a communication situation
Clear: Your communication is clear and easy to understand
Controlled: You deliver the information in a calm and controlled manner
Think about a conflict or difficult conversation you had in the last few weeks… got it, good.
Now ask yourself these questions:
"Did I bring my authentic self to the conversation?"
"What parts of the conversation was I able to communicate with Confidence?"
"Was my message Clear?"
"Did I share my message in a calm and Controlled way?"
How Did You Do?
Practical Steps to Communicate More Assertively
If you (like me) have a desire to improve your communication by being more Assertive (the 3 Cs!) then here are some practical steps to start the change:
1. Write down the 3 Cs: Confidence, Clear and Controlled and their definitions on an index card, sticky note, screen shot, etc. Keep this visual cue available as much as needed until the 3 Cs become automatic brain thoughts.
2. Prepare for an upcoming crucial conversation by practicing how you will share your message using the 3 Cs. Practicing can be in your mind, written down, or with a trusted friend. Whatever works best for how you process and how crucial or difficult you believe the conversation may be.
3. After the crucial conversation, evaluate how you did using the 3 Cs. What went well? What would you like to improve upon?
4. Repeat these steps for the next crucial conversation.
Bringing your authentic self to each conversation, particularly high-stake, difficult ones is a growth process. The more you practice using the 3 Cs, the easier and further along the path to Assertive Communication you will travel!
Interested in coaching that will help you lead, achieve, and inspire? Contact Carol now for a complimentary 20-minute session.
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