Confession time, I need a cup of coffee to get me going in the morning. Well maybe “need” isn’t the right word, I just really, really like the whole ritual of drinking that first cup as I putter around the house.
So, it comes as no surprise that when my husband and I had a super early morning flight out of SeaTac Airport that we filled our travel mugs to the brim with coffee to take along for the hour and a half ride.
Most vehicles have those handy cupholders in between the driver and passenger seat to keep a cup safely upright when you aren’t taking a slurp. Our truck happens to have the cupholders arranged one behind the other. As we began our trip south, I told my husband that his coffee was the one in the front. Easily understood, right?
So there I am, waking up by quietly sipping my coffee and ruminating on the question of why we chose a flight that caused us to leave our house at 3:30am when I hear my husband sigh. "I know," I think, "you are about to tell me that choosing this early of a flight was not a good idea." I waited in the dark cab for him to tell me what I already knew he was going to say, but he just kept on glancing my way with a look of caffeine-deprived-confusion on his face.
Finally, I couldn’t stand it any longer and asked him, “What’s up?”
“You’re drinking my coffee.”
“No I’m not,”
“Ah, yeah you are,”
“Nuh uh, yours is the one in the front.”
We went back and forth a bit about which cupholder was the front one and which was the back to prove our “rightness”. But in reality we both were right; it was our perceptions of the situation that was different!
Should I have communicated more information to my husband besides just telling him his coffee is the one in the front? Probably. Did I feel the need to? Nope. I assumed that he would know which one was the front holder… period.
Our early morning coffee mix up is a relatively light-hearted example of a communication gap, (we even laughed about it afterwards.) but it got me thinking about why we can have communication gaps with those who we feel closest to and know the best.
Dr. Travis Bradberry, the author of Emotional Intelligence 2.0, offers insight into why communication gaps can occur with those closest to us:
“When it comes to communication, we all tend to think we’re pretty good at it. Truth is, even those of us who are good communicators aren’t nearly as good as we think we are. This overestimation of our ability to communicate is magnified when interacting with people we spend the most time with.
When communicating with people we know well, we make presumptions about what they understand—presumptions that we don’t dare make with strangers. This tendency to overestimate how well we communicate (and how well we’re understood) is so prevalent that psychologists even have a name for it: closeness-communication bias.”
We want to be understood and understand others in our lives. Most importantly those that are closest to us. How do we battle against the tendency towards closeness-communication bias?
One effective strategy is to use the tools of “active listening”.
Here are some attributes of active listening that can help you combat closeness-communication bias:
Building trust and establishing rapport
Demonstrating concern
Paraphrasing to show understanding
Using nonverbal cues which show understanding such as nodding, eye contact, and leaning forward
Brief verbal affirmations like “I see,” “I know,” “Sure,” “Thank you,” or “I understand”
Asking open-ended questions
Asking specific questions to seek clarification
Waiting to disclose your opinion
Disclosing similar experiences to show understanding
My coffee story is maybe a humorous example of what can happen when assuming what someone close to you is thinking or about to say or do. It is when you need to have a crucial conversation, perhaps one with potential conflict, that using some or all of the active listening tools can be very effective.
Next steps:
1. Pick out 1-2 of these active listening attributes to focus on as you have a conversation with someone close to you.
2. How does that impact your ability to understand and respond to the person?
3. Observe how the other person responds to you.
4. Even ask the person if they feel heard and understood by you.
What are your thoughts on using active listening with those closest to you? Bradberry, Travis. "8 Secrets of Great Communicators". Inc.com. Sept 8 2016
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