“We Need to Talk…”
What images float through your mind when you hear this phrase...
Cute puppies?
A day at the beach?
Or perhaps your favorite dessert? … Um, probably not!
More likely you experience that feeling you get when you are stuck in a “stress” dream and no matter what you do, your efforts are inexplicably thwarted!
If you have ever had (and we all have) a conversation in which you feel anxious, stressed, or had difficulty sharing your ideas then you have participated in a Crucial Conversation.
What is a Crucial Conversation?
Crucial conversations are, by definition important conversations that can affect a person’s life.
There are three factors that define a crucial conversation:
1 Opinions Differ
2. Stakes Are High
3. Emotions Run Strong
Crucial Conversations are well, Crucial. In fact, if you want meaningful and deep relationships both personally and professionally, then Crucial Conversations will play a significant part in your personal growth!
We know that these conversation are important yet, because of the three factors; Differing Opinions, High Stakes and Strong Emotions we often do one of two things:
1. Avoid having the conversation (or put it off until we can’t stand it any longer, which leads to number 2…)
2. We face the conversation and handle it poorly.
Your Turn
Think about a recent time that you had a need for a Crucial Conversation with a colleague, employee, family member or friend. (Or maybe you are getting ready for a Crucial Conversation right now!)
What are the differing Opinions?
What Stakes are high? (what is important to each person?)
What Emotions run strong for each individual?
How to Handle a Crucial Conversation Successfully
No matter what your past experiences have been with having Crucial Conversations, here are some great ideas to help you be even more successful:
PLAN The more crucial the conversation, the more it will benefit you to plan. Ask yourself, “What do I really want for myself? What do I really want for others? What do I really want for the relationship? (Part of your planning may be to let the person know about the crucial conversation coming up so that they can plan as well. You can even share the three questions above for the other person to ponder!)
BENEFICIAL SOLUTION What is the mutually beneficial solution that strengthens your relationship with the other person? (Think of the solution in terms of both/and instead of either/or.)
SAFETY Create a safe space by showing the other person that you care about them as well as their interests and goals. Plan to have the conversation in a physical space that is comfortable for all involved. You may need to leave your usual office or home space to find the best environment for the conversation. (i.e. If everyone at work knows that you use your office for difficult conversations, find another work space to have the conversation, or go off campus. Or, if you and a family member usually have these types of conversations in the kitchen for example, go to a neutral space such as a coffee shop.)
LISTEN Be a listener, ask questions and be curious. In these types of conversations, it is very tempting for us to listen to the other person just long enough to help us formulate our rebuttal. Be curious about the other person’s viewpoint not to refute, but to understand them better.
BODY LANGUAGE The importance of the body language you bring to the conversation is big. Focus on open stance or sitting, eye contact, leaning forward, nodding and affirming gestures. Avoid slouching, crossed arms, negative facial expressions and lack of eye contact. (These all can indicate that you are closed off to what the other person has to say.)
CONVERSATIONAL SPACE Everyone processes conversations in different ways. Generally speaking, an Introvert will most likely process in their head before speaking whereas an Extrovert will most likely process out loud. Consider who you are having the crucial conversation with and be comfortable with periods of “think time”.
“As much as others may need to change, or we may want them to change, the only person we can continually inspire, prod, and shape—with any degree of success—is the person in the mirror.” ― Kerry Patterson
How to have successful Crucial Conversations are Crucial to developing into the best version of ourselves both personally and professionally. I’d love to know if you have success in using these tools for your next Crucial Conversation!
If you want to dive deeper into developing tools for crucial conversations, I found this book to be very helpful: Crucial Conversations Tools for Talking When Stakes are High by Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenny, et al.
Interested in coaching that will help you lead, achieve, and inspire? Contact Carol now for a complimentary 20-minute session.
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